Doggie Top Ten

Top 10 ways to tell if Martha Stewart is Stalking your Dog:

10. There's potpourri hanging from his/her collar.

9. The dog's nails have been cut with pinking shears.

8. The dog's toys are all stored in McCoy crocks.

7. The pooper scooper has been decorated with raffia.

6. The telltale lemon slice in the new silver water bowl.

5. You find liver and whole wheat dog treats stamped out with copper cookie cutters and decorated with royal icing using a #2 rosette tip.

4. Dog hair has been collected and put into wire basket for nesting material for the birds.

3. A seasonally appropriate grapevine wreath adorns the front of your dog's crate.

2. Your dog goes outside naked and comes in wearing a thyme colored virgin wool hand knitted sweater with matching boots

And the #1 reason:.

During the winter months the frozen doggie poo in the backyard is carved into ice sculpture's

Signs You Have a Dumb Dog

10. Lengthy pause after "Bow" while it tries to remember "Wow"

9. Buries tail, wags bones

8. When you give him Alpo, he just eats the meat by-products

7. Despite the overwhelming evidence, still smokes two packs a day

6. Showed up at the Whoopi Goldberg roast in catface

5. Has suffered over two dozen concussions from toilet seat falling on his head

4. Thinks "Snausages" is a real word

3. Voted for Fred Grandy, Love Boat's gopher, because he really thought he'd be a good congressman

2. Spends hours staring at kitchen cabinet, waiting for tiny horse-and-carriage to come out

1. Constantly chasing people named "Katz"

Top Ten Dog Thoughts

10. I could've sworn I heard the can opener.

9. Why doesn't the government do something about mange?

8. Is there something I'm not getting about Norm Crosby?

7. I wonder if Toto was gay?

6. Mmmm.....that filthy standing water sure hits the spot!

5. Hey--no kidding, I'm sure that's the can opener.

4. I still miss Lorne Greene.

3. Would we dogs have built a vast and complex civilization of our own if we weren't distracted by our ability to lick ourselves?

2. Please, oh, please, oh, please let that be the can opener.

1. If there's a God, how can he allow neutering?

Top Ten Dog Movies

10. "Abbott and Costello Meet Cujo". Who's on Lou?

9. "The Howling". Story of a Rotweiller and a mousetrap.

8. "All Dogs Go To Heaven". Documentary.

7. "The Maltese Milk Bone". Action adventure, starring Humphrey Gobark.

6. "The Postman Always Rings Twice". Tutorial for territorial terriers.

5. "Terminator III - Garbage Day". Cyborg meets up with crazed Cocker Spaniel. Asta la Vista, Arnold.

4. "Back To The Future IV - Einstein's Revenge", starring Michael J. Foxhound. Einstein steals the DeLorean.

3. "The Bad News Beagles". Snoopy gets rid of that loser, Charlie Brown, leads a team of beagles to the Little League World Series.

2. "Dial M for Mustard". Murderous dachsund leaves a trail of condiments.

1. "Reservoir Dogs." Don't drink the water...

Ton Ten Alltime Doggie Bestsellers

10. "Fire Hydrants of New York", by Rusty the Firehouse Dalmation.

9. "Oh No, Timmy's In The Well Again!", by Lassie with Rudd Weatherwax.

8. "101 Ways To Skin A Cat", by Duke "Crocodile" Dingo Dog.

7. "Why People Throw Sticks, And What To Do About It", by FetchBoy the Golden Retriever.

6. "Stop Chasing Cats and Start Catching Them", by Dr. Rover Tilted.

5. "How I Licked The Toilet Bowl Habit", by Sammy Snauzer.

4. "No Bad Dogs", by Professor Hugo Sitt.

3. "Teach Your Human To Heel", by Rowf Rotweiller.

2. "Spit For Life", by Pete the Wonderdog.

1. "Good Kitty, Dead Kitty", by Spot "Psycho" Poodle.

Top Ten Doggie Bumper Sticker's

10. Honk If You Love Hot Dogs!

9. If You Can Read This, You're Hanging Too Far Out Of The Window!

8. Caution- I Brake For Dead Stuff On The Road!

7. My Snauzer Can Beat Up Your Obedience School Honor Student.

6. Vet is a 4-Letter Word!

5. My Other Car Is The Bed Of A Pickup!

4. I'd Rather Be Digging A Hole In The Back Yard!

3. Hey Cat! New Law - Red Light Means Go Now, OKAY?

2. Caution - Driver Drools Out The Window!

1. Dead Cats - We're For 'Em!

Ways the Miss America Pageant Would Be Different if the Judges Were Dogs:

10. Title revoked if old photographs surface of the winner petting a cat

9. Put your money on the girl wearing the sash made of baloney

8. New sniffing competition

7. Rambunctious Miss Ohio forced to wear one of those big plastic cones on head

6. Host Bob Barker torn to shreds by pack of angry neutered judges

5. Winning talent? Throwing a stick

4. Pageant thrown into total chaos by judge in heat

3. Miss Texas disqualified for stuffing her evening gown with Gaines Burgers

2. Winner gets to drink out of toilet

1. Points taken off for mange